The Blame Game

blame game

The blame game. Here are a few suggestions to help you navigate your way through difficult relationships:

Don’t feed the dragon

The core issue is most often that the afflicted person does not see his affliction but instead has tunnel vision and rationalizes his behavior. He always blames others for the state of affairs.

What you want to do, when they get into this state of mind, is not to feed the dragon. Don’t argue back because you hoping to get them to see the error of their thinking. It is a hopeless exercise. Walk away, literally, and only try to talk to them when the waters are calmer. It may take a while but try to persevere. It may be the only choice you have in the fight to keep your sanity intact.

Tap into their problems

But if they do seem somewhat receptive, a safe starting point for a sane conversation will be to discuss the issues that they see as the root of their problems. Keep away from the blame game.  Often discussing those problems and possible solutions can motivate people to change. These conversations can only happen if there is trust in the relationship.

Don’t give ultimatums or deny them their reality. Instead try to focus on their concerns. Discuss their goals and how they can reach them. Look for opportunities for compromise and change.

Don’t enable them

Don’t cover for the person – calling his boss and lying to him, saying that the person is sick and won’t be in today.  All the while is that person still passed out after the party of the previous night. You will get to feel worse each time you lie for him and it will get much harder with time to get out of the vicious circle, because he will start to abuse your kindness.

In reality are you not helping, but only making matters worse. There is a reaction for every action and you will be paying the price, and he will never learn to take responsibility for his actions.

Don’t try magic

You can’t decypher their thoughts to know what is the right moves at the right time, what is the right thing to say every time you speak to them, trying to control the situation. It does not work this way. You will have to go with the flow and play it by ear, from one incident to the other, handling them one by one as they come up. It can turn you into an obsessive and strung-out person if you try to control every situation.

Don’t be a victim

This is probably the most important aspect of such relationships that you need to keep clear in your own mind and probably the most difficult. This means not taking on the blame they are dishing out or going on a guilt trip and self-criticism. This is exactly where they want you, because their control is then absolute. Don’t be the victim, push back when they try to make you one.

Be supportive but not at the expense of yourself. Remember, if you’re not good to yourself first then you can’t be good to somebody else next.

When the time comes you must be your own hero and admit that the relationship is not working. Pack your bags and run like hell. They won’t die. They will soon enough find somebody else to torture.

Rachel Moon


 

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